“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
You Might Also Like
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
What about a To-Don’t List?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Please do it!
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty