Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
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Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
#Caturday
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.