Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
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35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
But that’s none of my business
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this: