You Might Also Like
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Jurassic park gets weird
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.