I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
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Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.