My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
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Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
twitter is a journey
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.