If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Me irl
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..