*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
You Might Also Like
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Never ghost your hitman.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone