You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
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I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My circle of trust is a meatball
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe