The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
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My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My dog ate my work from home.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.