It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
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The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂