My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
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here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.