Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
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My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers