Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
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Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god