Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
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[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
fired
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
*skinny dips into black hole
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.