“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
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whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support