“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
You Might Also Like
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile