saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”