The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
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Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
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Me: Same.