My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
This forever.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams