[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.