Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
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4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.