Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
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For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*