When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
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People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I triple waxed for this?
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget