try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
fired
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him