I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂