Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
You Might Also Like
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
the last thing a carrot sees
I have a new favorite meme page