Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
that wasn’t the question
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!