Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
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There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
#Caturday
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
The photographer’s assistant
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Not today.. 😂
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.