I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Breaking news:
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Sign at work today
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Who.
Did.
This?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism