[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
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If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong