what’s the point then??
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It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Bring back the McRib
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now