If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
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When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit