“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
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coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
the three branches of government
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles