wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
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ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.