[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.