[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Running your mouth is not cardio.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
This is true.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.