Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*