Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
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After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.