People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
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ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
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a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird