[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
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Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*