inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
You Might Also Like
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I can fix him.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.