Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!