Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.