Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
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If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order