We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
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I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
definitely did not do anything wrong
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…