Skills
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I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I feel this so hard
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?