My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
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First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Attacked by a mop.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Every work meeting this week
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.