I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
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Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.