Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
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Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves